Where is the love?

I sat opposite a dutch lady on the train to work last Friday, and she smiled at me as I took my seat.

I was a little bit taken aback. It occurred to me instantly that I haven't received a smile from a stranger in a long time. I almost felt like I didn't know what to do.

Sometimes it's lonely here. This feeling can be amplified because I don't always get what's going around me because of the language barrier. Sure, everyone can speak english to me, but when dutch is flying thick and fast around me, I get frustrated at myself because I don't understand, and I get a heavy craving for comprehension.

When someone mistakes me for a dutch person (yeah, it doesn't happen often, but it sometimes does), and speaks to me in dutch, and I don't understand (and can't feign comprehension) I feel embarrassed that I don't understand, and can't reply, and almost always go into apologetic mode, with the stock standard line "Spreken engels?". And in my experience, most Amsterdammers will just repeat what they just said in english, and then their attitude almost becomes a bit dismissive and that's where the interaction stops, like their's no point in carrying on the conversation.

With respect to the language, I can pick up the gist of conversations through cues in body language, and tone of voice, and other non verbal clues, but for example when a train announcement is made in dutch, it would be really nice to know what's going on without having to ask someone around me to translate.

I think there are instances where I am baited into a false sense of integration here because everyone can speak english, and will obligingly do so, and because it's still a "western society", I haven't experienced that many culture shocks because it's not like I am living in China or India with a lot of foreign customs to learn.

But one thing I really notice besides the language thing, is the cultural difference in personal "warmth" and "openness".

One thing that I always used to read in travel memoirs/articles, or hear people say when they found out I was Indonesian, was that Indonesian people are really friendly. I hear that a lot about people from most South East Asian countries, like Thailand, Vietnam, and Cambodia etc. Having just come back from Indonesia, I really noticed it. In shops in Jakarta, shop assistants went out of their way for us, and genuinely smiled all the time, thanked us for our custom.

I even remember road tripping with my mum, and going out into the villages in the rural areas of Java, and we stopped a villager from our car for directions, and the lady was really nice, bubbly, happy, gave us directions and invited us to her house for a snack and a drink to revitalise us for our journey home. Mum made the point, "It's just how it is out here. They are so trusting and kind. She doesn't even know us, and she's offering us what little she has to make sure we will be ok."

In Australia, I just remember that it wasn't that strange to just exchange a random, innocent, smile with a stranger or a shopkeeper, even if you were just walking down the street. In fact, looking back, I think I was a "smile sharer" from way back, not really giving much thought to just breaking out into a smile.

But I have definitely noticed that it's not really done here much. Ditto for chit chat and small talk. God forbid you break out into conversation with someone while you're on public transport, or answer your phone.

Sometimes I get on the train and it can feel almost... hostile. It's quiet on carriages, and it almost feels like everyone has a major wall up. Even if you happen to catch eyes with someone, the most you will get is a fleeting glare.

Before I sat down on the train last Friday, I was walking down the carriage aisle, looking for a seat. There was one girl with her feet up on the seat opposite her, and as I paused momentarily to consider sitting here, she didn't move at all. She didn't look particularly bad ass or anything, just uninterested in being inconvenienced. When that lady smiled at me as I sat down, I gave her a shy smile back, and I realised that it felt really nice to be acknowledged in a friendly way, and I missed that a lot. Especially when you have a perpetually niggling feeling that you don't really, truly belong somewhere.

I'm not saying as a generalisation that dutch people have cold, cold hearts, or are rude, and aloof. Not saying that at all. I'm merely saying that in my experience in living here, comparatively to the two cultures I know the best, Australian and Indonesian, social interaction and interactive norms here in the Netherlands are a lot more reserved. And I have come to really miss the warmth of Australia and Indonesia - both physically, and emotionally.

It's really a big goal for me to learn more dutch because I really believe that making the effort to learn the language will almost be like a key to getting to know people and getting past the walls.