The show goes on...

I am writing this from the dining room table of the first floor of Eerste Atjehstraat 69.



Outside the window, I see a blue sky, a large blue winebego parked opposite my house, and the owner of the local cafe unstacking his chairs outside, preparing for a good day of trade I imagine. 



It's 9:34am on my last day in Amsterdam as a resident.



Tomorrow, when I wake up, I will be another traveller, passing through, without an idea of when I will be back in Amsterdam, The Netherlands or even Europe.



In an hour, my mattress will be taken from the house.



So will the 8 boxes and single suitcase of belongings that I have accumulated over the last 3 years.



Then I will return my mobile phone and travel card to the office.



And finally, come home and my bed will get taken away.



And herein, that becomes the end of my life in Amsterdam.



I will have one last dinner with my friends and then go to an airport hotel.



I am not sure what else to write, except that I am not sure how to feel.



I'm 30,  unemployed,  single and soon to be homeless - but as my dear friend Sarah said to me last night, all of this was my choice and that's what's important.



And damn it, that is what is important.



It was important to me 3 years ago that I had options and that I was allowed to choose from all those options with my best interests at heart. I wanted to broaden my world, not shrink it. When I went out into the big bad world, little did I know that after having a buffet of options spread out infront of me, the one that I would ultimately take would lead me back home.



One of the most resounding feelings that I have at the moment is an immense amount of pride. After landing here with no job, no friends, and hardly any money, I leave with almost 3 years experience at an international firm, a varied and fascinating circle of friends ... and still no money, but my life is certainly richer in other areas.



I travelled when it was possible, I shared times with old friends and new, I made stuff (some I liked and enjoyed doing, some I hated making and hated putting my name to), I ate a lot of good food and a lot of bad food, and I met a LOT of people.



I lived a  dream. At times it seemed more like a nightmare because it wasn't everything it was cracked up to be, but I can now say "I lived in Europe." and what is important is that everytime I say that I remember that I was the one that made it happen, and I can hold on to this achievement.



Now that I've ticked that one off the list, it's time to keep moving forward, and keeping ticking more dreams off the list.



So, let the show go on.



Leaving is hard, leaving is sad, leaving is confusing... but there is a quiet sense of faith inside of me that knows that leaving is clearing a path for growth and more rich experiences.



Goodbye Amsterdam. 

Freelance office

Two observations:

1. There's no milk in the fridge. Where are the interns, and why aren't they doing their job and filling the fridges with milk??? How can I write if I can't drink my standard coffee with milk?
Is it too much to ask to have some freaking milk around???
(Huff, hair flick, pout)

2. Two colleagues are talking about robots having feelings and how in this day and age it should be possible. Totally normal. Totally serious. Totally ok with me.

Ick. IKEA.

Inside a large maze of fake rooms
Kids are lost, wailing "Mummy?"
Everything needs instructions
A lively buzz fueled by meatballs

- written by me as a poetical wrap of my first single IKEA experience.

I went to IKEA today to buy a new bed since I am moving house at the end of the week and the bed frame I have now belongs to the house.

I felt so strange buying a bed. I am so furniture adverse for the consequences of moving and owning such hefty items.

I walked into IKEA and broke out in a cold sweat seeing young families, young couples, heavily pregnant women contemplating cots, and young men thinking about home office systems.

People that have settled down.

Then I chose a bed with storage options underneath it and I was frazzled for about an hour. Then we went and had Swedish meatballs and fries in the cafeteria and I calmed down a little bit.

Everything here is so uncertain. I have concerns about my visa being out of date when I turn 30 in 5 months time because of the salary conditions that come with it.

All I want is just one more year.

The shift

Art by my favourite street artist, C215

“And when the event, the big change in your life, is simply an insight--isn't that a strange thing? That absolutely nothing changes except that you see things differently and you're less fearful and less anxious and generally stronger as a result: isn't it amazing that a completely invisible thing in your head can feel realer than anything you've experienced before? You see things more clearly and you KNOW that you're seeing them more clearly. And it comes to you that this is what it means to love life, this is all anybody who talks seriously about God is ever talking about. Moments like this."

― Jonathan Franzen, The Corrections

Anticipating!

image by Mark Mawson

I am so freaking excited about 2012, I have no idea why.

I just am. I can't stop smiling today.

2011 wasn't a particularly bad year for me. It was actually very good to me.

Weird to think I'm not smiling because the year is over, but because I'm looking forward to the future.

I formed a really strong bond with a great bunch of friends, and I kept my job and therefore my visa to live in Europe.

I travelled a lot, and saw a lot of new places on the planet.

I went home and saw my family and friends and had a lot of nice realisations about my life.

I didn't get slapped in the face with any obviously hard lessons this year, just some gentle reminders.

Here are my resolutions this year:

- Be more responsible. I want my finances to be in check and also my health. And I want to be reliable, so when I say I'll do something, someone can rely on me to do that. Turning up on time to things is a good start.

- Quit the social smoking. Blagh. It's going to be tough, but I want to live for a long time and be around to accomplish some great things.

- Lose weight before I go home in March.

- Plan time for exercise and passion projects. (See resolution number 1 to understand why this is important.)

- Be more selective about who I interact with and what projects I decide to take on. It's all about quality and not quantity this year.

BOOYAH!

I hope 2012 blossoms into a phenomenal year!

Happy New Year!! xxx

Hopeless adult

09:49 am, 9 Dec
Me

"Dawg, I went to the ATM this morning to get my new cleaner some $$. It was out of order. So I had to raid the piggy bank. 15 EU in coins. ( Plenty of 5 cent coins included) I am such a hopeless adult. "


10:47, 9 Dec
Friend

"I don't agree. You adapted admirably to an unforseen situation. Thinking on your feet. Bravo!"

The other 99%

I have literally come to the age where 8/10 people I know are getting engaged, pregnant, married, or adopting puppies.

(6 engagements this year?!?)

The rest are in significant relationships or too blissfully happy in their careers to notice any of these things happening around them.

And me?

Ummm.... errrrr... yea. Hmm.

Dilemma

What do you do when your day job is getting in the way of your ambition?

Don't give me that look. What look? THAT look.

I once said to someone,

"There's only one look that's ever on my face - and that, is the look of honesty."

Translated into: I show every emotion which is going on inside of me, whether I like it or not.

I know this because people tell me all the time the exact thing that I am thinking, and that disturbs me greatly.

Apparently, I am an open book. Maybe not a book. Maybe an open magazine with scruffy dog eared pages. ( Always lose recipes and pictures I like in magazines unless I do this.)

What is the opposite of a Poker face?

How about a BINGO face?

As in the game that old people play? As in, they get antsy if they are closeto getting their combination of numbers in order to win? Or screaming at the top of their octogeneric lungs when they have won?

I think I care too much about things.

I am way too opinionated about things that I shouldn't even be concerned about.

There are some words I should really be channelling at the moment, and I am going to do my best to start with these words today:

NONCHALANT

ALOOF

UNPERTURBED


I am going to come up with a technique for dealing with things I hear/see/sense that all of a sudden shock me/annoy me/disturb me.

Just like the Seinfeld version of "Serenity Now", I need to think of something that makes me laugh, or smile serenely. Hmmmm, what could be that mechanism...?

Maybe I could just go to my happy place...

- Amsterdam Roots Festival or WOMADelaide.
- My recent holiday back to Australia
- My recent birthday party in Amsterdam where my friends presented me with not one but 2 birthday cakes and sung to me in dutch and english.

Or maybe I could think about things like

- winning a scholarship to gastronomy university
- getting made redundant, being paid out for the trouble and then being offered a full time travel blogging job

Thought du jour: Why waste energy that could go into YOUR transformation worrying about others are doing/not doing? Some people are Phoenixes and others are fodder.

The jig is up...

Needless to say, I really enjoyed my time at home.

I thought that all the self-confronting time I had spent in the Netherlands was going to provide me with all the answers - or at least a large proportion of the answers - that I was looking for.

It turns out that coming full circle and being home gave me the perspective to join more than a few dot dots together, and so far the picture is looking good. Hopeful. Inspired.

Going home gave me a new vigour for continuing on the path of "doing whatever the hell it is I feel like doing, because there is only one of me to execute what needs to be done."

Here are some myths that were blasted while I was at home:

- I don't have a true home.

Not true. At the moment, I have two.

- My friends in my hometown have all moved on and forgotten about me.

My friends at home have some of the strongest senses of who I am, and what drives me as a person and vice versa of me for them. Their lives have changed, but they haven't forgotten me, in fact their support for me has only grown stronger and more vocal.





- I'm too big for my home town and can never go back.

My home town has changed but so have I, and I saw that city with new eyes, and a fresh attraction for the beauty of the sky, beach, and people. I might have seen more things in the world, have more grand ideas about who I can become and what is possible, but that town holds opportunities that are there for the taking. It just wasn't where I needed to be a couple of years ago, and maybe not in the near future.




- I need to stay overseas because I'll be labelled a failure/won't be "anyone" if I can't hang tight there for a significant amount of time, after all the years that I talked about going over there.


How long is a piece of string? Who defines what is a significant time period? I make the rules, and so I can break the rules.


An nobody has ever said to me that I shouldn't come home until I can prove myself worthy. Worthy of what? Who knows.... something I created in my own mind.

In the end, all that matters to is that I shape my own life with decisions that I am happy about and believe in 100%. And having the courage and wisdom to own each and every decision I make is a process, but I have people on both hemispheres that can help me with that.

Dismantling the delusions

Sometimes, things happen where you say

"WHAT - THE - FUCK."

No question mark required.

The situation is so bizarre that noone could possibly ever offer an explanation that would or could satisfy therefore rendering it completely useless to pose the words in a tone that would present it as a question.

Sometimes, when you ask for a sign, a deafening silence can follow.

And that is actually your answer you were meant to receive.

A place to call my own

Lately I have been dreaming about a place to call mine.

I love my place now, it made settling in so much easier, and as beautiful as it is, all the furniture, all the decor, all the choices that were made behind making this apartment beautiful... ultimately belong to someone else.

Rented or owned, I would like a little place to decorate myself. Not asking for much... a functional and medium-ish kitchen, a place for a dining table for friends and work, and maybe a little study so my cords, cameras, pens, hurriedly scrawled reminders, empty coffee cups, keys, and other belongings don't have to be packed up from a dining room table every so often.

Only look back if the view is good.

I've always been a bit of a hoarder. But I've always had a thing for paper.

My bedroom is full of paper; stacks of loose leaf sheets, torn out news articles, old editions of travel magazines, stickers, scraps of papers with rushed notes, bills that have phone numbers and coarsely scribbled reminders on the back of them, instruction booklets, notebooks with half finished stories, old christmas cards from overseas, postcards from loved ones that are on their own jounry. My bedroom is overflowing with paper.

"Hey girl, here I am in China..."

"Chiropractor, 1700, Monday 31st"

"Beste Mevrouw, deze brief is..."

"Banana, best wishes for a merry Christmas..."

"Today is Yours!"

"Lottery Ticket for Saturday, Pick up shoes from shoe guy, Green beans and pizza (no anchovies) !!"

"Hot places to stay in 2010 for a sizzling summer on a budget."


Most of the time, I wake up and I look around, and I'm overwhelmed with what to do with it all. I bend over to pick one piece up and then immediately, the long winded process of going through each and every sheet starts to bewilder me, as I see sentimental value in every word, every marking, every ink stain, every tear and fold in the paper.

And admittedly, I give up. Because the memories on the paper mark moments of people, time, places - all reminiscent of my journey. And I don't want to let go. And reliving the journey takes so much time. I can take a whole day to clean my 11 metre square bedroom because I pick up a sheet of paper and one sentence can make me think about a whole series of things.

Sometimes I am scared that if I throw away the paper, the memory will also be disposed of. Taking a trip down memory lane is fun. So much fun. I could wile away hours, just rereading letters and notes, and just daydream. But maybe I do it too often. I mean, isn't the old rule "if you haven't looked at it in six months, or worn it in six months, time to ditch it?"

Sometimes, taking the trip down memory lane is not so much fun. Sometimes it's painful, and if you aren't in the right frame of mind (ie. feeling weak and fragile), stumbling across a set of initials, or a sentiment in a lovingly written card can make the day hard.

But out with the old and in with the new. The apartment is looking like a bomb hit it ( flatmate is outta town) and I have been meaning to clean up but instead, I just make more mess. (It's seriously disgusting. I am getting to the point where I can't move without seeing filth, but secretly enjoy basking in the fleeting moments of solitude.)

I'm leaving work early today to go and clean, because I read Paolo Coelho's blog today and he is right. Make room, make space, let the physical manifest itself in the invisible, and start the new year on the right foot.

The year was pretty heavy. It was a big year. And 2011 is going to be no different. In fact, it's only going to get bigger. Really. Believe me. Tis the year to be about devotion, discipline, and action. This year is mine.

May you always have time for your passions

May good fortune follow you, whether obvious or hidden

May you be surrounded by like minded souls

and kind hearts,

And just simply, love.

May wisdom come to you when you need it the most

May the journey always surprise you

Happy New Year xxx

2010: Closing Cycles by Paolo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.
Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened.

You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister.
Everyone is finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.

Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.
Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them.

Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood.

Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.”

Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back.
Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need.
This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.
Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

Au revoir, Auf Wiedersehen... and so forth.

I've decided that leaving a party with my dignity is better than staying for the sake of your request.

(translate: this blows and I'm okay with exiting, no matter how impolite it looks. Because I like my spare time better than I like mingling with people I'm not interested in.)

Have fun. Thanks for having me.

PS I'm taking a beer for the road, and my coat... and scarf..... And maybe, wait, probably, the mixer I am holding that I haven't quite finished yet.

I am unable to care for myself

I am thinking about hiring a cleaner who could possibly do the following on a weekly basis

- clean my room, and fold my clothes

- clean the apartment

- fill my fridge with homecooked food, portioned out in neat tupperware containers with days of the week plastered diagonally across the lids with labels

- do my washing

2 in a row

In August I went to a little place called Proef Restaurant in Amsterdam for quite a unique dining experience. I wrote about it here.

I turned the fun time into an article, which just got published today. You can read it here.

Happy days.

Even if they turn the lights out, the show is going on...

" Never ever put 'em down,


You just lift your arms higher,


Raise them til your arms tired


Let em know you're there


That you're struggling, survivin'


That you gon persevere


Ain't nobody leavin'


Nobody goin' home


Even if they turn the lights out,


The show is goin' on..."






I fell off my bike. In the middle of Dam Square. On a Saturday night/Sunday morning.


It was raining. I was leaving a bar. It was 3.30am. You make the connections.

Vulnerable was my middle name at that moment in time.

But, you got to pick yourself up, and dust yourself off, and keep cycling.

Because these things happen. And all you can learn from it is that once in a while, shit happens.

It hurt. I'm still hurting. I wonder if there was something I could have done differently to change what happened.

But I know if I had my time again, it would have all happened anyway. Some thing are inevitable, and you can't avoid it, no matter how many precautionary measures you take, or no matter how much experience in bike riding you have, you are sometimes going to fall. Hard. In public.

It was only a matter of time before it happened again.

It's not the first time, and it won't be the last.

Overextended + Under resourced

Some things I have been up to lately that prohibit me from blogging

• National Novel Writing month: Ambitious much? http://www.nanowrimo.org/
• Taking some 360 photos of the east side of Amsterdam for an LA based travel site, who are currently revamping their entire business model and website. *Deep breathe*
• Writing for a Berlin based travel website about various places in Amsterdam
• Working my little behind off at the day-job.
• Preparing to go to London for some B2B Awards night next week, and then to Berlin for a conference in early December. Seriously, pinch me.
• Attempting to maintain my friendships, sanity and health. Possibly failing at the first two areas, definitely failing in the last one. *Cough, splutter*
• Loving Ben L'oncle Soul, and Tahiti 80 - see below
• Attempting to transcribe an interview and profile a man who wrote an encyclopedia about Street Culture : I had the pleasure of meeting and talking to a fella by the name of King Adz, who wrote: "Street Culture" for an assignment for my Time Out Amsterdam writing course
• Researching/strategising on how to become an official freelance writer in the official dutch way

Adulthood is a hard state to permanently be in

Of mice and men

This is the thing:

You either like chocolate, or vanilla.

You either like cats, or dogs.

You either like Matt Damon, or Ben Affleck.

You either like sweet popcorn, or salty popcorn.

You either have the balls to do it, or you don't.

You either follow through with what you say you will do, or you don't.

Yes, sometimes, it can be that black and white.