Some friendly banter amongst colleagues

Tuesday 11.30am

People have been coming up to me all morning, saying "hi", asking how my holiday was.

Considering I came back to the office having been told only a few days before that 20% of the office would be made redundant by September, I thought it was nice that people were still caring about how my month off was.

I am standing by the coffee machine, waiting for my first coffee of the day to be pumped out of the pipes of automated caffeine mediocrity.

Footsteps turn the corner and suddenly the Global Sales and Marketing Director is standing infront of me.

He looks at me.

I look at him.

Him: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! (bellowing)

I look blankly at him, processing this sudden and hospitable invitation to exchange dialogue. Upon realising that he is, in fact, talking to me, I beam him a 1000 watt smile back.

Me: Well, hello!

(pause)

Did he realise that I've been gone for a month? Did he miss me? Did the campaign go so well after I left that I've etched a permanant place in his mental "Employees to keep on payroll" file?

Me: Uh, so, how ARE you?

Him: Well - personally, everything is fantastic! (bellowing)

Other people in the open plan office and are now craning their necks to really see if the Sales and Marketing Director is talking to me about his personal life, openly.

Upon confirmation that he is, they continue to watch this sudden and bold interaction.

Me: That's great to hear.

(pause)

Me: ... And...errr... everything else?

Him: Well, there could be improvements.
(His face is stern, voice is 2 decibels higher than I have ever heard them in my entire history of working for this company. A whole solid 1 year and 8 months.)

This tall, lanky, powerful, and usually reserved dutch man is scaring me. I am scared. I just don't know what to do.

He rarely leaves his office, or tears his face away from his computer monitor. 40 other men in suits report to him and he is in charge of making the money flow into this corporation and making sure it is a global name everybody knows. He has a lot of responsibility.

People in the office would jostle their grandmothers out of the way to get 2 minutes of face to face time with him.

I have spoken to him about 5 times in my life.
Once when I went to the photocopier and he was standing there and I unjammed it for him.
Once when we won the B2B Marketing awards in London and he popped some champagne and made a little "I'm proud" speech for us.
Another awkward photocopier moment.
Another time he called me into his office for me to tell him what campaigns were running for the year so he could make a powerpoint slide.
And another time when I was asking him to give me about 40,000 euros to take some photos. (Which he did.)

(Note: All interactions went reasonably well. ie. I didn't say or do anything stupid. Wait, there was that time at last year's christmas party when I was in an awkward conversation circle with him and after some banter about food and bad food in Amsterdam, I ended up asking him what time I could come over for his annual "cook for my direct reports dinner". He just straight up told me I wasn't invited. I thought that was kind of cool. )

Conversation continues...

Me: Could be improvements huh? .... Uh... anything I can do to help?

I am stirring sugar into my coffee, and wondering... what is the appropriate thing to say in this situation?!? Surely, I've just said the right thing?!

Him: You could start by getting our sales force out there and telling them to sell more stuff!

I look up from my coffee stirring. Does he know who I am and what I actually do here?
I look over to our Field Sales Director who happens to be sitting a metre from this whole show. I am on friendly terms with him. He is looking at me with a nervous smile.

He gets out of his chair and comes to the coffee machine.

Me: I shall draft the memo now!

(I am trying to sound helpful and triumphant)

I clutch my coffee and the Field Sales Director comes and pushes some buttons on the coffee machine.

Global Sales and Marketing guy: Tell him (pointing to Field Sales Director) to get onto his people!


Then Global Sales and Marketing Director gets distracted and talks to a Product Manager who has overheard this conversation and is chuckling. They share some jovial banter.

I look at Field Sales Director.

FSD: That's what you get for sitting close to the coffee machine.

Me: Here I am minding my own business, getting a cafe au lait, and suddenly I'm responsible for the fall of the empire! (I chuckle.)

FSD: No, I meant me. (He's smiling but sounds kind of glum.)

Me: Oh.

I take a side step and sip of my coffee and stand there for a second, before wandering back to my desk.