I am working from home today, and even though I have gone REALLY hard, and been super productive since I need to wrap up the year, I can't stop thinking about the following things:
-I am really looking forward to seeing my mum for a cuddle and some home cooked loving.
- Whether I am going to take the great Kaava pills my flatmate gave me ("It's a natural relaxant, you'll love them!") before I get on the aeroplane tomorrow or when I get on the plane; the jury is out.
- What am I really doing here in Amsterdam?
Now, this is a tough question, because if I review the benchmarks of what I set out to achieve by coming here, they were a little bit vague. In fact, a lot vague. This question can have many answers.
Typing on a new laptop owned by my office, on a houseboat in Amsterdam, surrounded by paperwork and listening to the Temptations and Aretha Franklin, blogging when I should be working, pausing my work momentarily to stare outside at the partly frozen canal, I start to think about surreal situations in life. But this doesn't seem surreal to me anymore.
This is what I do - work for a corporation that loan me expensive equipment to keep the money spinning going, live in Amsterdam (albeit not permanantly on a houseboat but it's not weird to be on one in this city), where canals are just part of the scenery, and Europe is covered in snow at the moment, and as for the Motown music...meh... not so surreal.
There is a school of thought that says "Who cares? Just enjoy the ride and see where it takes you." Sometimes this can be fun, but I know myself and drifting aimlessly can annoy the shit out of me. It's like travelling alone - sounds good in theory, you think that anything can happen to you and it's all an adventure, but sometimes waiting for things to happen to you is just downright boring. And then sometimes, nothing ever happens.
I want to make the most out of my time here, but I don't know how to do that. I only have one year. And I technically only have 8 months of that year left. Am I supposed to sit in Amsterdam and let life revolve around me and "just see what happens?"
True, it's a beautiful city, and it's all an adventure... but I often think I need to get centred, and figure out what it is I really want to be doing in my life and try and apply it here. But surely with 8 months left, that goal is like saying, "I'd love to make it to the peak of Mount Everest without a map, and preferrably do it in a week."
- How much do the people I have met in Amsterdam really mean to me? Am I using the filter of "they are a good person and we have a genuine connection" versus the "I am bored and it can be a little lonely over here and those two things are never a good combination, so I might as well be amused with someone's company, anyone's company" well enough?
(PS> If you are reading this, and you are mentioned in my blog, fear not, I don't mean you. You would have never made it in black and white on here if I didn't really like you! Highly unlikely that you are reading this because I rarely mention this blog to anyone over here.)
It also makes me question why certain people enter your life. If only every person came into your life and as soon as you met them, they gave you a fortune cookie before they spoke, you cracked open the cookie and it had a message akin to;
"We met because you don't know how to sew and that's an imperative life lesson, and I can teach you." and then you looked up and started to talk to them about sewing and arranged a time and place to conduct sewing lessons, and while you chit chatted about hemming and linings and zippers, you munched on the cookie and slipped the fortune into your back pocket.
One thing I really want to do next year is blog more about things that matter - whether in reality or in my head, and less chit chatty, postcardy, type things ("Hi everyone, Today I went for a walk in the snow and pranced down the street with joy..."). I don't mean that I want to pretend to offer educated opinions on things like why the Copenhagen agreement fell through (because I don't know why, seeing as I aim to expose myself to as little media as possible here... I have enough things in my mind, it's weird, I was such a good media consumer in Australia, but here, I really couldn't care less what's happening in the world. It's terrible.One thing that has crossed my mind is that in my office, nobody really talks watercooler talk, like what team won what sport, and what happened when the trains broke down etc...)
Ok, back to work. ONE more email that i have been avoiding for the past week, and then it's pretty much holiday time....
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